Casper & Casper: The Real Initech

Thank sweet baby Jesus that school is starting soon, because I'm not sure how much more time I can spend in an office this summer. While I am thankful for the weekly paycheck, the time I have spent under the flourescent lights and between the filing cabinets has been quite enough, thank you very much.

For those of you who don't know, I was working at the small law firm of Casper & Casper (whose ad has graced the back cover of the phonebooks in the Cinci area for years) for the summer. I won't go into the details of the horrifying tediousness of my job as file clerk, but I will say that my time here has given me plenty of experience in "read this 558 page medical record and tell me when this guy had that surgery", "scan this", and "I need 24 copies of this by noon". 

One aspect of my job is to close and update files, which entails calling clients to ask them if anything in their often sad and pathetic lives has changed (for better or worse). I ask about new doctors, medications, tests, or if they have any questions about their claim, appeal, or hearing. Often, the clients don't know, or they do know and answer accordingly. But sometimes . . . sometimes I get someone who thinks they're too good to talk to a file clerk, someone who just wants his money, and, very rarely, someone who can't read the latest letter we've sent to them. These are the tough ones, but the ones I enjoy most, because, whether I laugh silently at them or help them read the letter in question, my day is made better.

And now, I believe I have provided enough context for my story.
The other day, I was calling a series of clients to discuss everything that I mentioned earlier. They all went without issue, and I finally worked my way down to the very last file of the day. I called the client, and this is the word for word dialogue that he and I shared on speaker phone:

"Hullo?"

"Hello, my name is Sara calling for Casper and Casper attorneys regarding your claim. Do you have a few minutes to talk, sir?"

"It's about fuckin' time you called me! Jesus, I've been waitin' around here forever waitin' to hear from SOMEONE."

(At this point, I turn to the rather cute law student paralegal with whom I share an office. He's already chuckling.)

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're doing the best we can to keep all of our clients up to date-"

"HK! HK!"

"I'm sorry?"

"HK!"

"Sir, would you mind answering a few questions, please? It will just take a moment."

"HK! HK!"

(It was at this point that I began to multitask and open Urban Dictionary to search for "HK." What the hell does HK mean?? I got several results, and came to the conclusion that this man was half-kidding about something, or calling me a man-eater. But neither really made sense. I decided to ignore it for that moment, and tried to see if he would answer something.)

"Have you been seeing any new doctors?"

"HK!"

"Are you on any new medications?"

"HK! HK! HK!"

(What the hell was this man saying? Cute Paralegal was laughing pretty hard now, and I was losing patience. I decided to go for the gold.)

"I'm sorry, sir, can you tell me what HK means?"

"HK! Who cares! HK! HK!"

(I raced to pick up the receiver and cover the speaker before Cute Paralegal and I burst into a fit of laughter. It was inappropriate, yes, but irresistible. I had learned earlier to never correct a client, so I left him to keep thinking "who cares" was spelled "hoo kares.")

"Sir, I care. We at Casper and Casper care."

"Bullshit!"

"If you would please just answer some questions with valid answers, we can  help you."

"What the hell is that s'posed to mean? You callin' my answer unvalid (sic)?"

"Sir, HK is not an answer."

"I don't care! HK! HK!"

"Thank you for your time, sir. We'll be sending you a letter regarding your case. Call us if you have any questions. 

You have our number?"

"HK!"

"Alright, then, have a nice day."

(It was, without a doubt, one of the funniest moments in my life, and I had to see how it would write.)